From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl
by Death-Image-Azrael
Summary: Welcome to the insane world of Artemis Fowl's file cabinet, created by me, DIA. This is a very interesting and somewhat humourous account of what happens when you pick the lock to the mastermind's filing cabinet. I've rated it PG just for safety.PLZ R&R!
1. Introduction

From Artemis Fowl's File Cabinet  
-*INTRODUCTION*-  
  
After 15-20 minutes of working on the lock of Master Fowl's file cabinet with a bent paper clip, I discovered many files and newspaper clippings stuffed in folders with coded titles. I also found some sort of diary, with the young mastermind's true thoughts on the matters in the folders.  
Many of these files are about the Fairies. Even so, there are many other things, from classified advertisements for an assortment of different items, to little, flat bags of shredded Post-It notes stuck into the folders, to age-old crumbly grocery lists.  
Months of studying these little "tidbits" of information, I have learned a great deal of information about Artemis Fowl. One of these things is that though everyone thinks he is a genius, everything he makes is not next-to-impossible. For example, the file cabinet. If it only took me 15-20 minutes to open with a paper clip... Well, he isn't as smart as everybody thinks.  
Since I am currently stuck in a well with a giraffe and a pineapple, we shall have to talk later, since I am beginning.to slip.off the.giraffe.into the- *splashing and gurgling sounds are heard*  
  
Sorry about that.  
Thankfully, the files are not with me. They are locked in the car. The keys are here somewhere.. *searches pockets*  
  
Oh, great, I dropped them in the water. Well, I shall talk to you later when I retrieve the car keys, the files, some dry clothes, and a cup of cocoa. Farewell till then! *dives into the water* 


	2. The First Folder

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter 1- the First Folder *-  
  
I have finally found my car keys, and I am now in the Paradise Hotel. Why they call it a "paradise", I'll never know, for it is a terribly run- down place.  
On to the first folder. This consists of nothing more than a letter addressed to Angeline Fowl concerning her son's friendships and such at school and in general, a copy of the song "Friends Are Always There" with only the notes B, A and D marked in and the signature of a person called "Marsha" at the top, a full package of gum with "Ha ha ha, just kidding" written on it, and what looks like an empty birthday party loot bag with the name "Marsha" on it. *scribbles on a scrap of paper* There, I've just made note of the name "Marsha", and how commonly used it is in this folder. The title is "Nb 'Uirvmw' Nzihsz", which I cannot understand.  
I also cannot understand the letter. Who it's from is obvious because it says so there, but the rest of it is written in what I think is Norwegian or Dutch. For example, it started with "Kjær Angeline,", which is obviously "Dear Angeline,". But the first few lines are impossible to understand. Here is an excerpt from the letter:  
  
"Kjær Angeline,  
Jeg mest angår med Deres ung sønn, Artemis, for han er en bra bit antisocial. Jeg ber om Deres hjelp ved forståelse av ungdomen slik kanskje dette forholdet er fast.."  
  
The letter continues on in this language. From this excerpt I can see that it is to Angeline, is about her son Artemis, and something to do with "antisocial", "bra", "bit", and "fast". What I have guessed is the correct translation(or a translation), off the top of my head, is:  
  
"Dear Angeline,  
You son, Artemis, is antisocial because he wears bras and is a bit fast."  
  
This translation is most likely to be inaccurate, however, it is all I can figure out for now, if I just happen to be going in the right direction. If I have any more luck with this folder, I shall keep you all posted. Farewell until then, and wish me luck with both this folder and the next. 


	3. The Second Set of Speerings

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter 2: the Second Set of Speerings *- (A.N: "speerings" is another word for "news")  
  
No more luck with the first file I've discovered thus far, so I have moved on to the second folder and a much better hotel.  
This one is just about empty. It contains a one-liner written on a piece of paper, and a plastic bag full of powdered vanilla cake mix and rainbow sprinkles. What they have to do with one another, I'll never know. The one-liner is as follows:  
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.  
The bag with the vanilla cake mix also has a piece of paper in it with a recipe on it for something called "Vanilla Insult". It's very strange. I will post it here: Ingredients: 2 and ½ teaspoons cold water, powdered vanilla cake mix, tiny round sprinkles, random one-liner from any source excluding yourself Preparation directions: 1)Pour cake mix into small bowl.2)Add enough sprinkles to the top of it to thickly cover the powder.3)Pour in water and stir until mix is a thick but not gooey paste. If paste is gooey, add more water.4) Pour mixture into cupcake pan. One with small-sized cupcake holders are preferable.5) Follow directions in another cookbook on how to make cupcakes for baking.6)When ¼ of the way through the baking process, quickly take the pan out, spit into the cupcakes you plan to give to the one you wish to insult, and shred the one-liner into tiny pieces and add to the ones you have spat on. Put back into oven and bake for the total time(example: if recipe calls for 20 minutes, stop after 5. Then place back into oven for the whole 20 minutes).7)Cool for 5 minutes.8) Serve to the insulted-to-be.  
This sounds delicious, but I wouldn't like to eat one unless I make it myself, and skip through the sixth direction. That way, I wouldn't end up insulting myself or others.  
Aha! I have just found out something about Artemis Fowl! He has it in for someone! I wonder who that may be.?  
Well, I had better depart, since I am hiding inside a very thin coat rack tube in a dental office, and my buttocks are beginning to get sore. I shall try to find a comfortable place to stay the night and try to figure out what the first file has to do with. Farewell till then! *clattering sound is heard* Ouch! Stupid infernal metal pole. 


	4. The Third Tidings

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter Three: The Third Tidings*- (A.N: "tidings" is yet another word for "news")  
  
This folder is very odd. For one thing, it is bright turquoise, for another it is completely empty, and for another, it tastes like grape chewing gum.  
I think I have made some progress with the first folder. It is about Artemis's social life at school. It was very boring, so it is now serving as fuel for the pathetic little fire I have managed to light here on the snow.  
I haven't bothered trying to figure out what this means, since it is probably the only food source for miles around. So I think I'll use the second folder to help me out here so I don't starve to death; I think freezing is a much better way to die, since there is hardly any pain until body parts turn into ice.but then it doesn't hurt anymore because your other body parts start to freeze up, and the next thing you know, you're a human Popsicle.  
Oh, look, it's a polar bear! How cute. And it has it's cubs with it! Okay, nice mother bear.no, I'm not tasty..nice bear.nice. AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! 


	5. The Fourth File

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter 5- The Fourth File *-  
Well, here I am in the hospital, recovering from hypothermia, broken ribs, internal bleeding, a collapsed lung, and various other medical conditions that I don't know the meaning of yet, since the doctors use such big words that they expect me to know. Despite the pain and my nurse's screaming fits(which don't help me at all with my constant migraines), I am working on deciphering the fourth folder from Artemis Fowl's file cabinet, and I must say, it isn't very interesting.  
One reason it is uninteresting is because there are so many papers in it. Another reason it's so boring is because I can hardly read it since I think I'm going blind in one of my eyes. And yet another reason this file is boring is because all it consists of is order forms for custom made socks. What Artemis needs with custom made socks, I'll probably never know. Unless of course I can find someone who can figure it out, someone who I'll probably never know, either.  
Aha! I have discovered something in Artemis Fowl's diary about the custom made socks! I shall post the entry here: 03/17  
Dear Diary,  
Well, I just sent out another order for some nice custom made socks. What a joy! I love getting socks custom made, it's a sign of my wealth. Can't wait to show them to Marsha!  
I've ordered 3 pairs of socks: one blue and orange and purple and green and yellow and cream and fawn and pink striped, another black and white and red zig-zagged, and one with both designs. I can't wait until I see that sniveling brat Marsha's face when I wear them! I will enjoy getting back on the little traitor!  
I haven't told you about the trade-over Marsha did, did I? Well, he said he would eat the cookies I gave him for lunch yesterday, and he ate Tara's instead! He told me he hated Tara! I told him I didn't want a traitor as my only friend, and said good-bye. He said he didn't want an idiot as a friend, and he got up and walked over to another table to eat his lunch. He sat by Tara! Why was I friends with the liar in the first place?  
  
I have to go now, since the nurse is threatening me with no dinner tonight, and I haven't eaten since I got here. So, farewell till then! 


	6. Gah!

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter 6:GAH!!!!! *-  
I've just made a dreadful error! I dropped the fourth file into my soup! I still have the others and the diary, but this fourth one.gone! Soup- a-fied! What a grotesque blunder!  
Well, I shall see you later on, since I'm probably about to be discovered hiding in this janitor's closet in a local Scandinavian school. Farewell till then! 


	7. Gah! Again

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter7-GAH!!!Again *-  
This just isn't my day! I have now lost an important diary entry containing information about Artemis' computer diary! This time I lost it to my tea and crumpets. I was just buttering a crumpet while reading the entry, when I spilled a large quantity -in other words, amount- of butter onto the page. Thinking that it was okay, I proceeded to add sugar to my tea when I got sugar STUCK IN THE BUTTER! And now all that is left of the page is a buttery film covered in sugar(.  
Now I am trying to find away to get down off this cliff to my boat without A)having to walk through the foresty jungle place behind the cliff since I see a tiger there just waiting to eat me, or B)slipping while trying to climb down, or C) getting some rescue helicopter out here, since I am terrified of helicopters. So, since it is unsafe to talk any further until I get off this cliff, I have to eat my cell phone to end this conversation. Farewell till then! 


	8. The Fifth Folder

From the File Cabinet of Artemis Fowl -* Chapter 8- The Fifth Folder.one that (hopefully) shan't be destroyed *-  
Thus far I haven't lost any files since the butter-and-sugar incident, and have now conducted research on the fifth file that shan't, if I can help it, be destroyed.  
This folder contains a script of some sort. I shall post it here:  
  
"The First Fire of Flowntainecleau  
  
Frank: Well, what a glorious evening for a party!  
  
Flora: Ah, yes, you're quite right.  
  
Felicity: Thank you all for coming.  
  
Fiona: You're quite welcome, dearie  
  
Flora: I love these little floating flower candles, Felicity. They're very quaint!  
  
Fletcher: Quite.  
  
Felicity: Thanks.  
  
Felix: And the music. Quite charming!  
  
Felicity: That was Finn who chose the music.  
  
Felix: Excellent choices, Finn! I love Beethoven's work.  
  
Finn: Thank you. I must say, I quite enjoy his music as well. (Felix and Finn walk off stage right, deeply engaged in a conversation about Beethoven)  
  
Fletcher: I'm off to join the rest of the men, I think. (Fletcher walks off stage left)  
  
Frank: So am I! Farewell ladies! (Frank exits stage right)  
  
Flora: Ah, isn't it wonderful to be alone here, with no men!  
  
Fiona: Yes, it is. Am I correct, Felicity?  
  
(Felicity is staring at stage left)  
  
Flora: Felicity?  
  
(Felicity still staring, eyes growing wider)  
  
Flora: Everything all right, dear?  
  
(Felicity begins to shiver, then screams and faints. A brightly colored firework flies over her from stage left, snapping and sizzling)  
  
(Flora and Fiona shriek)  
  
Flora: IT'S THE FIRST FIRE!!!  
  
(Flora and Fiona shriek again)"  
  
The script ends here.  
And so must my research, since a rabid cookie-eating squirrel is trying to nibble its way through the Plexiglass protection of this science lab while a masked stranger is unlocking the door. Farewell till then!  
  
(A.N: "Shan't" means "shall not" for those of you who don't know. And also, just a fact: this chapter is BY FAR the longest because of the play script. By the way, this play does not exist.) 


End file.
